Divorce and Re-Marriage

For anyone who has been involved in a divorce process knows how hard it can be. The pain and hurt from a divorce do not just disappear. With a divorce and a re-marriage, emotions are fragile and it is important that parents and children communicate with each other in a healthy way. At this time there are many feelings of hurt and betrayal and family members should be sensitive to one another.

6 Stages of Divorce: 

• Legal: Court officially brings the marriage to an end, relief from legal responsibilities. 
• Economic: Settlement of property. 
• Community: Leaves one community of friends and relations and enters another. 
• Co-parental: Decisions on who will have custody, visitation rights, and continuing parental responsibilities. 
• Emotional: Loss of trust, respect, and affection for each other. 
• Psychic: Acceptance of the disruption of the relationship and regain a sense of being an individual again. 

According to Waite and Gallagher, the majority of couples who are unhappy can work through their problems and have a happy union within five years (Marriage and Family the Quest of Intimacy). 

Usual a divorce does more harm than good for the couple and children. When a couple gets a divorce the children are torn to choose who they will live with.  

Remarriage can be difficult especially when children are involved. Most couples choose to remarry because they want to be in an intimate relationship. When a couple remarries with children it makes the new situation difficult because children can feel a sense of betrayal and on the other hand, the new couple will find it difficult to find time to be with each other because they are taking care of children, thus leaving little room for a "honeymoon" phase. 

Within a re-marriage it is important to remember that it will take a minimal of 2 years to get to normalcy within the family. That includes getting used to each other and figuring out a routine that fits best with everyone. 

The birth parent of the children should have all the heavy discipline and the step-parent should act more like a great aunt or uncle. This is done to help build trust between the step-parent and child. 

The newly wed couple should have a conference with each other daily to make sure that things are still okay, and if need be resolve conflict. Misunderstanding one another can lead to hurt feelings and cause more problems between a family. 

Marriage is hard, but divorce is even harder with lasting damage done to a family. Sometimes, a divorce can be a good thing. However, couples should fight hard to stay together. 

It takes extra work to keep a blended/step family in harmony. Feelings are sensitive but ultimately everyone wants things to work out. 

Parenting

In class we discussed what are the reasons for parenting. Here are just a few things that we concluded.

• Difficult things make us stronger
• It helps us to understand God and relate to him
• To up bring children in a safe environment

One word that was heavily enforced to contributing to successful parenting was.... LOVE

There are many books and articles addressing different parenting styles, but nothing will ever be better than love. 

Here is an example of confronting conflict between a parent and child/teenager.

Who owns the problem? 

• Instead of yelling or demeaning the teenager, first approach them with a polite request. 
• Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, use the "I" statement which is;

                      When you...

                       I feel...

                       because...

                       I would like...

• Make a stronger statement
• Let the natural consequences unfold 
• Plan a logical consequence 
• Plan/Discuss together 
• Encourage (Good behavior) 

When we try to control what our children do we do more damage than good. Satan's plan was to control us. When we use our agency and choose for ourselves the lessons we learn are much greater. 

Avoid immediate compliance. Instead, look for teaching opportunities. 

A theory of NEEDS was discussed in class. 

As humans we all need physical contact and a sense of belonging.

Parents should: 

• Offer contact freely 
• Teach to contribute
• Response/Ability- Let children take responsibility showing that they are capable of working and contributing to the family. 
• Teach assertiveness and forgiveness. 

Get needs met and people will stop doing desperate things to get needs met. 

Ever wonder why children act out? It is probably because they are not getting their basic needs met. They are starving for attention, affection or any type of contact. 

Parents have such a powerful position. Their actions can make or break someone. A proper parenting style brings about positive and good behavior. It brings a healthy child. 

Parents and children should have mutual respect for one another. Listen to each other and learn from each other. Most importantly they should love each other. 

Fathers and Finances

Throughout years there appears to be a greater number of single mothers who are working outside of the home to provide for their families. The traditional roles of a father working and a mother staying at home with the children has changed. This type of family tradition is no longer "normal". Usually both parents work outside of the home, and because of this the significance of fatherhood has been overlooked. 

 This is a picture of my dad and I years ago on our trip to Europe. It is a silly picture because I had asked my dad if he was strong enough to pick me up. When we are younger, especially as daughters we look up to our fathers for almost everything, especially for protection. Is my dad strong enough physically? That is what I was trying to prove in this picture, but as I got older I looked to my father for his emotional and spiritual strength to keep our family strong.

In the article titled, "The Distinct, Positive Impact of a Good Dad," by W. Bradford Wilcox, the author expressed how having a father in the home reduced depression and brought an overall more positive outlook on life. He states, " By contrast, great, and even good-enough dads, appear to make a real difference in their children's lives."

I have seen this not only with my dad, but with my brother as well. He has three daughters. In the picture to the left is his oldest daughter. How many of us remember sitting on our daddy's shoulders? Do you remember how confident you felt as you could see the world through a new perspective? You believed that your dad could carry you and help you reach new heights that you could not reach on your own. W. Bradford Wilcox states, "In their approach to childrearing, fathers are more likely to encourage their children to take risks, embrace challenges, and be independent." Fathers do much more than provide financially for the family. They challenge their children. They push them to reach their full potential by taking risk.

According to, "The Importance of Fathers," by Ditta M. Oliker, "Children with involved, caring fathers have better educational outcomes. The influence of a father's involvement into adolescence and young adulthood." This picture was taken right before I got on a plane and left for my mission. I know that my dad had an impact on me to help give me the courage and confidence I needed to serve a mission. When I was younger I came to my father for protection, to go on his shoulders and be lifted. Now that I am older I look up to my father for emotional and spiritual upliftment. The role of a father is never ending and does leave a lasting impact.



Fatherhood could be considered sacred, the greatest calling a man could ask for. It is a calling that is most similar to that of our Father in Heaven and for that reason it is not surprise that the role of fatherhood is powerful Let us not forget how significant the role of fatherhood truly is, especially in these changing times.

Links to articles:

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/06/the-distinct-positive-impact-of-a-good-dad/276874/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-long-reach-childhood/201106/the-importance-fathers

Communication & Mutual Problem Solving

The Nature of Communication: 

Words           14%
Tone             35%
Non-Verbal  51%

The objective of communication is to decode the messages that are being sent our way.

Communicating our feelings can often times be a complex scenario. The feelings you intend to communicate can often times be misinterpreted. A KEY to avoid miscommunication is Listening. 

Psychiatrist Karl Menninger once said, " I believe listening to be one of the most powerful and influential techniques of human intercourse." It is no doubt that listening plays a significant role in proper communication.

The 5 styles of poor listening are;

The Faker: They pretend to be listening, nodding their heads and smiling, but are thinking about something else.

The Dependent Listener:  Primarily looking to please the speaker. Agreeing with everything they say just to maintain a goodwill with the speaker.

The Interrupter: Never allow the other person to finish speaking.

The Self-Conscious Listener: Trying to impress the other person, they fail to listen with understanding.

The Intellectual Listener:  Attend only to the words of other, ignoring non-verbal cues.

If you have found yourself being one of these listeners at one point than it would explain moments of miscommunication. However, there is always room for improvement.
A few pointers for this is;

• Taking initiative in communication. Listening does not have to be passive. Look at the person speaking to you and concentrate on what they are saying. 
• Resist distractions. 
• Control your emotions and tendency to respond before someone is finished speaking. 
• Ask questions and rephrase to clarify meaning. 

We are constantly communicating with one another. Whether it be verbally, or non-verbally we are always sending a message to the world. A good communicator must be an effective sender and receiver. A healthy relationship is one that has good communication skills. Therefore, it should be something we are constantly working on.