Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Preparing for Marriage


Has the concept of dating gone away? What is the difference between "dating" and "hanging out" and how do we even find someone to date? 

The Western Model of Mate Selection suggest 3 main points as to how we generally find someone to date. 

  • Propinquity- Closeness in geography, frequent contact
  • Similarities- Economic status, cultures, hobbies, etc. 
  • Physical Attraction- Something that is "familiar" to us also known as having a "type" 
To go on a date with someone should generally consist of the 3 P's. 
  • Prepared
  • Paid for 
  • Paired off
Dating or going on dates, allows for others to get to know one another by doing various activities. 

In an article titled, "Hanging Out, Hooking up, and Celestial Marriage" by Bruce A. Chadwick he makes this suggestion to the college students attending BYU, "... don't wait for others to carry your glass slipper about the campus looking for a match. In other words, don't wait for your Heavenly Father to write the name of the person you are to marry on your kitchen wall or to deliver him or her to your front door. Instead, be a little more proactive and seek someone you like, someone who is worthy, and someone who inspires you to be a better person. The Spirit will guide you but won't do the courting or make the choice for you." 

What is he suggesting from this quote? That in order to find someone who will Provide, Protect, and Preside, we must be Proactive and start dating. 

What seems to be the "norm" now are these principles:
  • Hang out, Make out, Drop out: We begin to become too comfortable that we resort to just hanging out and making out without any commitments or ties attached. How does this concept help anyone prepare for marriage, when there is little effort being put forth in the process. 
  • Date 'em 'till you hate' em: This concept suggest that sometimes we just date someone to date, not really because we are interested or even that invested in the person. We date them for long periods of time and realize that the relationship has not experienced any progression and therefor end up calling it quits. 

The "Know-Quo" by J Van Epp is a great tool to use when dating.

    Talk (Mutual Self Disclosure)
    Togetherness (Sharing a wide range of activities....DATING)
+  Time

What is Love? 

The next step in dating is love. 

"Misattribution of Arousal" is the "two component" theory of love. 
  1. (Non-Specific) Autonomic Arousal 
  2. Cognition=Attractivness
This theory suggest that the differing emotions can produce similar kinds of physical arousal (such as a pounding heart or sweating). Studies have shown that a person who just worked out will find others to be more attractive. 

It is no wonder why the TV show the Bachelor has the bachelors going on extravagant dates... It tends to make them more appealing to the girls. I mean what girl doesn't like a "bad boy" at times. ;) 

In this sense we need to be careful for when we think we are falling in love, or are just feeling the effects of the Misattribution of Arousal. Often times these feelings can be mistaken for falling in love with someone. 

John Alan Lee gave us a useful typology to understand love. The 4 levels of love he used are:
  • Storge (store-gay)- This type of love reflects the love between a parent and a child.
  • Philia (fill-ee-ah)- The type of love between friendships
  • Eros (air-os)- The type of love with passion, arousal, romance and sexual intimacy. 
  • Agape (a-gah-pay)- Type of love that is unconditional, where you make sacrifices also can be related to having a Christ-like love. 
All of these different love levels are important to have within a relationship. They build unity and trust. 

The Relationship Attachment Model (RAM): This model suggest what levels are healthy to
have while dating. 

As you can tell each level is gradually moving up. As my professor stated in class, we must... WALK into the next step, and avoid SLIDING into them. When we rush relationships we find ourselves in trouble. It is important to get to know someone before jumping into the physical part of things or begin a serious commitment. 
When we know someone better we are more likely to gain trust in that person. Dating is the first step in doing this. It seems that in order to find "true" love we must go back to the basics. Start dating, get to know someone and build trust. It seems as though we need to go against what society is telling us to do. Sometimes, hooking up doesn't always lead to finding love. Love requires time, sacrifice and commitment. I guess it requires quit a bit of work! But I am sure that when it does work out, it will have been worth it! 

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