These are just some family crisis that can occur. Think about your own life experiences. Have any of these impacted you in some way? If so, were you able to find a positive outcome from the experience? Can trials (crisis) within a family become a blessing/helpful in pulling the family closer together?
It is unfortunate for anyone who has to deal with a family crisis, but often times the result of how we are effected is largely due to how we deal or cope with the situation.
There are 4 ways someone will generally deal with a crisis
Denial
Avoidance
Scapegoating
Substance Abuse
None of these sound like heathy ways to deal with a problem especially if it is effecting all members of a family. It is important for a family to communicate to have understanding for each other, to have compassion.
Family therapist Cloé Madanescreated a method in order to help all members of a family get on the same page and experience ownership of their mistakes instead of blaming others, thus bringing the family closer together.
The three main points are:
Recognizing that during this crisis everyones spirit is wounded
Evil is always stupid
Have the person who may have caused pain and sorrow upon the family to get on their knees and apologize. This is not done to humiliate the person but rather to give this person an opportunity to apologize and for the family to have a greater understanding for the reasons behind his or her actions. The family will realize that he/she did not intend to hurt the family.
Any type of family crisis can be difficult to deal with. We often feel pain, betrayal, anger, and hopeless. However, I know that these crisis can also develop very strong bonds between family members. There is nothing that the Savior cannot heal, and I know he can heal a broken heart in a broken home. Keeping an eternal perspective is difficult but will give you a better understanding of how our trials can turn into blessings.
SEX Personally, I feel that too many people abuse the power of sex. We all generally know what it is and know its purpose therefore I am going to discuss sexual intimacy in more of a gospel related tone. Many people will have a sexual experience before marriage, but for those who wait until they are married are given a much richer experience and opportunity to grow closer to their spouse. Men and women were created differently but were created to complete each other. Because a man might experience something different than a woman during sex it is important to treat such an experience with consideration and communication. When a couple begins to communicate and understand each others needs in a more intimate personal level they begin to know each other and become as one. In Genesis 4:1 it says that "Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived..." Sexual intimacy was intended to create a special bond between spouses. The benefits that come through this sacred ordinance are that it will; Require great selflessness, we can "know" well beyond self, seek inspiration, feel deep compassion, have an exclusive connection, develop trust, peace and bond. FIDELITY Fidelity = Faithfulness (To ones spouse in this case). Loyalty, consistent, true in all occasions. Infidelity = Fantasizing about someone else visually, romantically, sexually, emotionally. We need to be careful how we seek for emotional support. It seems that this type of infidelity can become overlooked at times. Especially with the rise in Facebook use it is much easier to seek elsewhere for emotional support when we do not feel it in our homes. This will lead to the other factors of infidelity such as fantasy and romance. We need to be committed to our spouse and communicate so that we can connect on a all levels especially emotional. This will help us to avoid having affairs and will keep our bond stronger. Let us put away the natural man and cling to God, cling to our spouse and choose carefully where we put our thoughts and desires.
The need for intimacy: Throughout generations people have started to marry for a number of different reasons. In olden times marriage was primary for economic reasons only. However, now people marry to have a sense of security. Most people believe that the best way to maintain intimacy is through marriage.
Social Expectations: An individual can become pressured by peers, society and especially family members to get married. Some individuals who choose not to marry are looked down upon by family members or even society.
Social ideals and personal fulfillment: Most of us still have the goal to have a family and a white picket fence. Some people believe that marriage will carry out their fulfillments and basic needs.
Desire for children: An individual has reached a stage in their life where they desire to form their own family.
The Wedding!
We all love weddings it is a celebration of a couple's marriage. Wedding traditions vary throughout the world. Laws regulate a number of steps prior to the wedding (Cornell Law School 2007). Some laws consists of age at which one can marry, medical examinations and obtaining a marriage license.
Planning a wedding has become so extreme that there are even wedding planners now. Even without a wedding planner weddings can become very expensive. In the United States an average wedding cost in 2009 was $27,800.
Adjusting to Marriage
There are a number of adjustments to be made within marriage. Jessie Bernard (1972) has said that every marriage is really two marriages, his and hers. Men and women have different experiences in marriage. During the first year of marriage feelings and behavior tend to change. Commitment is the basis for marriage and makes the relationship more satisfying. For anything to be successful it requires hard work and commitment, it is the same for marriage. Marriage will be difficult, changes will need to be made but if both partners take time to communicate and nurture their relationship the marriage will not fall during times of difficulty.
Has the concept of dating gone away? What is the difference between "dating" and "hanging out" and how do we even find someone to date? The Western Model of Mate Selection suggest 3 main points as to how we generally find someone to date.
Propinquity- Closeness in geography, frequent contact
Similarities- Economic status, cultures, hobbies, etc.
Physical Attraction- Something that is "familiar" to us also known as having a "type"
To go on a date with someone should generally consist of the 3 P's.
Prepared
Paid for
Paired off
Dating or going on dates, allows for others to get to know one another by doing various activities.
In an article titled, "Hanging Out, Hooking up, and Celestial Marriage" by Bruce A. Chadwick he makes this suggestion to the college students attending BYU, "... don't wait for others to carry your glass slipper about the campus looking for a match. In other words, don't wait for your Heavenly Father to write the name of the person you are to marry on your kitchen wall or to deliver him or her to your front door. Instead, be a little more proactive and seek someone you like, someone who is worthy, and someone who inspires you to be a better person. The Spirit will guide you but won't do the courting or make the choice for you."
What is he suggesting from this quote? That in order to find someone who will Provide, Protect, and Preside, we must be Proactive and start dating.
What seems to be the "norm" now are these principles:
Hang out, Make out, Drop out: We begin to become too comfortable that we resort to just hanging out and making out without any commitments or ties attached. How does this concept help anyone prepare for marriage, when there is little effort being put forth in the process.
Date 'em 'till you hate' em: This concept suggest that sometimes we just date someone to date, not really because we are interested or even that invested in the person. We date them for long periods of time and realize that the relationship has not experienced any progression and therefor end up calling it quits.
The "Know-Quo" by J Van Epp is a great tool to use when dating.
Talk (Mutual Self Disclosure)
Togetherness (Sharing a wide range of activities....DATING)
+ Time
"Knowing"
What is Love?
The next step in dating is love.
"Misattribution of Arousal" is the "two component" theory of love.
(Non-Specific) Autonomic Arousal
Cognition=Attractivness
This theory suggest that the differing emotions can produce similar kinds of physical arousal (such as a pounding heart or sweating). Studies have shown that a person who just worked out will find others to be more attractive.
It is no wonder why the TV show the Bachelor has the bachelors going on extravagant dates... It tends to make them more appealing to the girls. I mean what girl doesn't like a "bad boy" at times. ;)
In this sense we need to be careful for when we think we are falling in love, or are just feeling the effects of the Misattribution of Arousal. Often times these feelings can be mistaken for falling in love with someone.
John Alan Lee gave us a useful typology to understand love. The 4 levels of love he used are:
Storge (store-gay)- This type of love reflects the love between a parent and a child.
Philia (fill-ee-ah)- The type of love between friendships
Eros (air-os)- The type of love with passion, arousal, romance and sexual intimacy.
Agape (a-gah-pay)- Type of love that is unconditional, where you make sacrifices also can be related to having a Christ-like love.
All of these different love levels are important to have within a relationship. They build unity and trust.
The Relationship Attachment Model (RAM): This model suggest what levels are healthy to
have while dating.
As you can tell each level is gradually moving up. As my professor stated in class, we must... WALK into the next step, and avoid SLIDING into them. When we rush relationships we find ourselves in trouble. It is important to get to know someone before jumping into the physical part of things or begin a serious commitment.
When we know someone better we are more likely to gain trust in that person. Dating is the first step in doing this. It seems that in order to find "true" love we must go back to the basics. Start dating, get to know someone and build trust. It seems as though we need to go against what society is telling us to do. Sometimes, hooking up doesn't always lead to finding love. Love requires time, sacrifice and commitment. I guess it requires quit a bit of work! But I am sure that when it does work out, it will have been worth it!
Monday, May 25, 2015
It's not about the nail...
We watched this video in class the other day and it demonstrates the different way men and women think in a humorous way, but also a very accurate way. This week in class we discussed gender roles and the differences between men and women.
GENDER ROLES
Men and women have the same basic needs such as they both
need a sense of belonging, they need intimacy and they need to have a sense of
control over their lives. However, they tend to go about fulfilling these needs
in different ways.
Where and what do you learn to be feminine and masculine?
Three important sources of where are through our family, school and the mass
media.
We will look at an example of body image, what is ideal for
men and for women.
Generally men want to be more lean and muscular and women
want to be curvaceous but thin. Generally we learn of these “ideal” types of
images at a young age through family members, friends and the media. We
generalize that men should be more masculine and women should be more feminine.
Masculine traits are more aggressive and task orientated.
Feminine traits are more empathetic and observant. Could it be that men and
women were made to balance each other out?
There was a study done that showed that having a sister can
protect your mental health. The study showed that having a sister protected
adolescents from feeling lonely, unloved and fearful. However, this does not
exempt brothers from being just as impactful. The study showed that a sibling
of either gender who is loving promotes good deeds, and contributes to
charitable attitudes more than loving parents. I have four nephews who are
brothers and I can see how they protect each other and have a good influence on
each other.
Here is the link to the study [http://news.byu.edu/archive10-aug-siblings.aspx
]
SAME-SEX ATTRACTION
Another very sensitive topic we discussed this week in class
is same-sex attraction. This ties in well with gender role because the language
we use around children has a huge impact on the way they think. For example, if
we see a little boy playing with dolls, his peers who are playing with trucks
might call him names to make him feel less of himself for being different.
There is a strong debate if the phrase, “I was born this
way.” Is true or not.
The following is a diagram that shows what can contribute to
someone feeling that they are attracted to the same sex.
The following is just a generalized example of something
that could contribute to same-sex attraction.
A young boy prefers to play with dolls rather than playing
sports. He is not attracted to the same sex or any sex because he is still very
young. However, his family may assume he is because he is not acting the way
his peers general are supposed to act. If his behavior does not change his
peers could start calling him names, using the word gay and homosexual in a
negative connotation. He is feeling disconnected from his own sex and gender
that he is longing for a feeling of acceptance from them. Around his early
teenage years he may experience a form of sexual abuse from his same sex. Thus
leaving him confused about his feelings.
There have been many individuals who have experienced
something similar to this and have sought council to overcome it. Many were
able to identify what was making them feel attracted to their own sex and were
able to overcome those feelings. These individuals wanted to feel attracted to
the opposite sex but because of the experiences that happened to them they were
left confused and depressed.
Here is a link to a video of a few men who have overcome
same-sex attraction
I am aware that this is a sensitive topic and it is one that
cannot pin point any specific reason as to why people are attracted to the same
sex. I do however believe that if someone wants the help to overcome these
feelings they should be entitled the right to do so and vice versa.
From what we have studied it seems that most but not all
same-sex attraction result in some form of abuse and a lack of acceptance from
their own sex.
To conclude here are four basic steps that should be taken
to ensure that no child grows up feeling confused or unwanted.
1.Understood. If a child does something different
than the norm it does not mean we should start labeling them. They are still
innocent and we just need to understand them better.
2. Stop Abusing. Abuse brings so much hurt and
leads to confusion and is just wrong!
3. Skills to manage emotions. Sometimes to those
who are abused they do not know how to manage their emotions. It is important
to give them the opportunity to seek help or have a healthy place to go to in
which they can share their emotions and concerns.
4.Healthy Relationships. Children should have a
healthy relationship between both sexes and their parents, peers, and family
members.
All in all we should just love each other. Never should we
bring each other down and label each other. We are here to encourage and uplift
one another.
One way to
understand your family better is to do your genealogy. Learning about your
ancestors can cause great benefits for your future family. It can bridge gaps
and answer questions that have been misunderstood. It will truly bind your
family together. We can break bad habits that have gone on for generations just
because we did more research about where we came from.
An effective
way to get started on this is by doing a genogram. A genogram maps out each
family relationship and can trace back to four generations.
When we begin
to understand where our family came from we can learn why we have certain
traditions within our family. Families form culture. Think about some of the
traditions you have within your own family. Do you have your “spot” at the
dinner table? Or do you open presents on Christmas Eve? How our culture is
formed can be caused by a variety of reasons. They can be influenced by our
ancestors or be apart of our religion or beliefs.
Does ethnicity
play a part in culture? I sure think it does! However, it does not necessarily
mean that I am forced to believe that culture is right, but it does influence
the way I think. Growing up in a large Latino family and living in Brazil for
several months has influenced the way that I do things and the way that I
think. Latinos are loud and proud. But they also are loving and caring. I do
believe that my religion has helped my family create a culture more centered on
our faith rather than past traditions done by our ancestors. Although, our
Latino heritage will always have an impact on us we have still decided to
implement those traditions that we see most correct and impactful.
Which leads to
the question. Are all cultures equally valid? There are so many traditions that
it seems almost rude to say that a certain type of tradition is wrong. But another
important question I would ask is, how can we purify our culture? We do not
have to do the things are fathers have done if it is morally wrong. There are
many wonderful traditions and cultures around the world and we can learn so
much from them. We should be practicing those traditions that are morally
uplifting and that will have a positive impact for our future children and
their children.
Elder Dallin H.
Oaks has stated, “It is well to worry about our moral foundation.
We live in a world where more and more persons of influence are teaching and
acting out a belief that there is no absolute right and wrong—that all
authority and all rules of behavior are man-made choices that can prevail over
the commandments of God. Many even question whether there is a God.” We should
be constantly looking to become better and act for ourselves rather than to be
acted upon.
I love my family traditions because they are always
evolving. We still practice many old traditional cultures but we do so in a positive
uplifting manner where we can influence others to do good.
